Womb Grief - Bailey's Story
Thank you Bailey, for sharing your story with us....
Miscarriage. Hits hard like a mother stone, knocking on the womb, rattling heart, quaking in rage. Why. Me. My baby. What happened. Am I responsible. Am I worthy. Creator help me. What happened to the life growing inside of me. Will I ever be able to carry life again? Questions run rivers through the mind. Miscarriage, a word loaded with confusion, misconceptions, and judgement. Aloneness can set in, in any setting. Especially for family, if family members have been told of pregnancy, and mother experiences loss of her baby, that is painstakingly hard to tell your family the life in my womb has left. I am hurting, and confused. As woman we can experience deep hesitation to reach out and speak, in fear of touching our own depths, of our partners response and fear that our partner may worry we will not be able to carry life again.
I personally seek to dissolve the term miscarriage, and speak language that represents what really happened, life came to visit. Such occurrences happen with half of pregnancies, though often is dismissed, not talked about, and seen as something that happens only from ill health. There is much belief that is solely the womans body responsible for the life in preconception and early pregnancy. We have come to know the condition of a mans sperm is of equal contribution in the hopes for pregnancy. Women who experience fertility challenges, come to find it is the sperm who are having a tough time. Knowing how we conceive and all factors that ensure the miracle of conception, helps us to better understand all circumstances involved. Responding with inquiry and compassion.
Often a spirit comes to visit and decides to leave again. Sometimes it is for physical reasons, such as stressful environment, current health of Mother, hormonal imbalances, chosen abortifacients, or simply conditions we have no control over. Sometimes a spirit
comes to visit and prepare us, to show us we are ready, that life is seeking to come through and we were blessed to receive this spirit for its journey. Sometimes its timing, an egg attaches into the endometrium lining of the uterus just briefly before the onset of ones usual menstrual cycle, and sloughs off with our powerful hormones that are the living rhythmic relationships pulsing alive our bodies.
When life begins to grow within us, instantly we are bonded. When life comes to visit and chooses to leave, we grieve and mourn. Deeper layers of emotional trauma and abandonment may surface.
We can experience a myriad of stages through grief, stages need not be classified in a certain order. We are free to grieve, honor, and remember for the rest of our days in any ways that arise naturally. It is violent to speak remarks to a woman such as ‘ that was x amount of years ago, time to move on’. ‘This is why you miscarried’. You didn’t need more children, ‘your too old or your eggs must not be viable’. Such expressions are of blatant ignorance coming from ones own fears and projections. Each woman has a unique relation with her body, emotions, womb, and innate wisdom. Sometimes we know why we miscarried, sometimes we journey and question for as long as we need, sometimes we don’t know why and that is a living aspect of the great mystery.
Recently I was prompted to write a story for womb grief. I felt excited, after all most of my day is honored praying, conversing, and studying of womans health. The topic, miscarriage. I thought to myself, can I go there? Can I give air and wings to the experience I too have grieved, in writing for any to see? I wanted to share my story out of the gratitude for the help I received from stories of woman journeys through life that came to visit that carried me throughout womb crunching nights of sleeve soaked sweaters from streams of tears that my baby...was in my womb...came to visit..and left in pain, cramping, heavy bleeding, and sorrow. I was two months pregnant. I knew from my energy directed inwards, from the dizziness, fatigue, and nausea. From the way I felt looking at my partner. The knowing in my heart that I was ready to accept and embrace life, even in uncertain times and in an uncertain relationship. It was these moments spirits gift came to speak, the only hesitation I had was, I thought how will I tell the man I really love. At the time I wasn’t sure I loved him, though this thought came to mind, gifted me
awareness, deeper knowings of my heart. When aspects of our intimate relations are intertwined with carrying and passing on of life, it makes it that much more sensitive to express, with shaming of woman and what often feels as a magnifying glass upon our actions and ways of being. My thoughts intersected many reasonings. Had something happened within my body to not carry life? I had been eating for fertile health for years now, in honoring that I can care for my body and baby well before they come and to ensure strength and energy onwards. I made an appointment for an ultrasound and full blood panel to see if I had any uterine fibroids, or anomalies. I do recommend this, as well, or instead, a deep relationship with certain plant allies and elders whom you can ask for help to clear the womb after life visiting.
My thoughts bounced between relief, anger, and sadness. I was away from my two mothers during this time. I cried out and grieved for them, for their arms to wrap around me, to simply sit in silence with them, in the embrace of their strength of all the cycles of life they have gone through and their strength to continue on. In midst of seeking resolution in my heart I felt alone, I could not speak about my miscarriage to my friends who were pregnant, I believed it to be inappropriate to speak about during their delicate ceremony, I still stand by my belief in this and found a strength in tending to my personal grieving and ceremony while keeping strong for my sisters. Another unseen gift from life coming to visit, was deeper awareness in subtleties of life carrying ceremony. It is in the depths of mourning I came to understand the knowing of how deeply intertwined we are as woman, especially with the woman in our lives whom are our inspiration and strength of mountains. A gift of deeper connection, a gift to better relate with woman, a gift to experience life and death inside of my body all in four moon cycles.
This life who came to visit, I will carry as medicine, hold life to be that much more precious, seek to be humbled that when life and loved ones come, embrace and cherish these moments wholeheartedly. I believe our thoughts to be powerful, that spirit can see in broadened perspectives, aspects we may not be able to see. It is the woman who came before who have experienced loss, natural or traumatic, whom have passed on certain teachings that highlight knowing in care of womans rights of passage. It is believed in
some ways to not assemble babies clothing or space before six months, in understanding that often there is loss. A belief to not wear necklaces in case the energy wraps babies umbilical cord around the neck. To only partake in certain foods and ceremonies while carrying life. I believe our thoughts are powerful, that we innately know as women what rings true in our heart, which ways to walk forward, and which teachings to carry. I have found it helpful to reflect upon the speakings of woman we respect and revere for understandings of journey as woman, to listen to the subtle inner wisdom that arises in our being and listening from nature. It was my mothers expression in consoling me that struck my heart the deepest. My mother shared, in all my life of standing by birthing womens side, it is more common than you think for life to leave. Spirit sometimes knows the environment or timing may not be right, there may be a miracle and teaching held in trust for this, which will only help you to grow even through the pain, there will come light and understanding, compassion, and reverence. For you came from the womb of woman your nature is Sacred. You are whole. You are worthy.
Womb Grief. Reflection. Inspiration. In grief came art. awareness. passion. sensitivity. strength. resilience. In grief I grew, tapping my roots deeper in the earth, nurturing soul in compassionate embrace. Grief gifted my my deepest prayer cries. Unwavering faith. Transparency. Hearts knowing that I was born to tend to the aspects and cycles of life, giving and receiving. From life coming to visit I received teachings that are true for my walk within life.
My hope is for all reading these writings of heart on my skin, to know that you are not alone, that the life who came to visit is a gift, that you will continue to hold and create life in many forms. That you are Nature. Holy. Divine. Sacred. You are Beautiful. Worthy. Free to celebrate, honor, and grieve for a long as you see. As the woven womb waters of all woman of the world, and who ever came before, you are held.
Thank you for remembering your story, for sharing with other women that they are not alone, for teaching us and for honouring your Spirit Baby.