• Adria Ellis

Womb Grief Workbook ~ part 4 ... In the beginning...conception

The intention in exploring the early memories attached to your dreams and pregnancies is an opportunity to remember and honour your full story, your dream and the feelings at the time of your conception. Conception is defined as conceiving a child, the forming or devising of a plan or idea, and the ability to imagine.

This invitation is offered early in the workbook, and although you may not feel ready to explore these early memories and dreams, it is encouraged to gift pause and acknowledge the joy and hope that was part of your life as an opportunity to remember the love, hope and connection with your Spirit Baby. As you gift pause to remember the love, there in lies the space to invite love to return.

Womb Grief Workbook Introduction

If you are new to the Womb Grief Workbook posts, these blogs aims to validate your dreams, You, and the unborn child. Womb grief is real, for every woman who has experienced a miscarriage, still birth, abortion, or infertility. What you have experienced is now part of your life story, it does not need to be hidden away with shame, it needs to be honored and tenderly nurtured. There is no time-line for grief, guilt or shame, there is no rush to ‘get over it’, or pretend nothing of it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is only love, compassion and honour. These blog posts are intended to support you in your grieving process, invite you to connect with your Spirit Baby and create space for love and healing.

My invitation here is from love, and the hope that in remembering the story you can allow yourself to connect with the love and hope that you had at your pregnancy. It is also an invitation to explore how you may work with your healing. I am a big believer that the weight of grief is measured in how we hold back love, and so part of the healing is not to make the pain go away, but to invite the fullness of our loss, and to create space for love to return.

An invitation

6. What is your conception story?

You are invited to journal your story, your dreams and your memories here. Let yourself describe the hope, the fears, the circumstance surrounding your conception as an opportunity to honour your journey and acknowledge you and the feelings you had towards your unborn child.

My Story… I was told by a clairvoyant I would have difficulty in my birth, and even though other psychic readings suggested I would have a child of my own, my psyche latched onto this one premonition. Why? Because I already doubted myself. I wanted to be a mother, and yet my own mother is absent in my life and deep down I later discovered that, I feared that I was not enough, capable, or worthy of love.

When I conceived my first pregnancy, I didn’t believe that I could have a happy family and stable partner. I met a man I knew very little about, but because of my age, I was careless with contraception and not discerning with men. The magical part of my union, was that I knew the minute I met this man that we could conceive, and I can remember the moment it happened. He left three months later, as did my Spirit Baby.

The second and third time I conceived, I had decided to go through the fertility clinic, and although I happened to meet a man shortly after the tests began, he didn’t want to be a biological dad. We continued to date through the insemination process and I especially remember the sensation when I conceived the third time, as a tight spinning feeling deep within my abdomen. Although we had moved in together, three months later my pregnancy and the relationship ended.

In all three conceptions however, I was clear that I wanted my baby, I could feel the spinning energy of life deep within my core, I was thrilled at the life within me, and although I wish to tell you I was the happiest I had ever been, I carried deep anxiety from the moment of each conception and fear of being a provider and a mother. I doubted myself after my first miscarriage, my second and my third. As I share these stories with you, I am met with a deep compassion for myself at this time. Seeing the words written help me recognize just how big this journey really was, and how valid my feelings were and continue to be. It is clear to me that my grief held hands with many layers of loss in my life beyond my Spirit Babies, and it is in writing out my story that I was able to start seeing the threads of my lifes tapestry.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson

Read Full Womb Grief Workbook Posts

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