The Invisible Conception, Part 1
A clairvoyant told me, "there is something on offer around the corner from a dark haired man that may change my life course. I do see you freeing yourself up for a lot of travel.”
I thanked her, and told her that I was feeling very settled in my life in Canada, and couldn’t imagine how or why I would want to open my life to Australia again. I tucked the reading away and went back to my work. I had a new plan, I had decided to invest in real estate and make my life have a different new kind of meaning, outside of being a non- mother.
Two days later, May 2016
“ Are you seeing anyone?”. His Australian accent lilted down the phone line, reminding me of his gentleness that I knew so well nine years before.
“No,” I replied, with the warm glow in my voice from spending the afternoon at the beach with my friends, “I can honestly say that for the first time in my adult life I feel ok. Like I don’t need a man in my life, and that I am softening into the acceptance that I may not have children of my own.”
He knew of my lost pregnancies over the years, and showed compassion through my failed partnerships and the miscarriages following the fertility clinic.
We laughed and chatted at the reality of a woman turning forty and my mad bilogical clock dricing my life with poor choices over the years. It was lovely to hear his voice, it always has been. We didn’t separate because we did not like each other; I left him almost a decade ago because I could not love him the way he wanted to be loved, and, within that, I longed to know what it would feel like to be with friends and family and return to Canada. I left Australia eight years ago, and I left this man in the country I had known for 20 years of my life (as a dual citizen).
“I have something I want to ask of you,”
I knew he did, having been married for seven years, we agreed to talk less often to honor his relationship with the woman he had chosen. “I have left my wife, and… well I want you to know I have never stopped loving you.”
In the past, the weight of those words felt like ball and chain rather then a heart connection. I feared those words when we were together, I pushed against them, always thanking him and deflecting them back, because i didn't feel the same, then. But on this day, he spoke to me and my heart was torn wide open in the most gentle compassionate way. As those words landed, for the first time I was able to let them in, and it felt like honey.
“I know how hard it has been for you losing those pregnancies, and I hear you tell me that you are ready to let go of being a mum. But I want to offer to be your baby’s daddy.”
There was silence as my heart pounded hard against my chest.
“We can either do it in relationship with me, or we could co-parent. Would you think about it? I don’t mind if you choose to continue to live in Canada, and I would prefer it if you move back to Australia. I love you and I will support you wherever you need to be. I love you, and I want a child with you.”
It was as if he had slipped into my diary and read my most private longing for a family that would support my freedom to move between the two countries.
“Didn’t you hear what I just said? I am happy to not be in relationship and I am finally ok with not having a child, and for the first time in my life I am not questioning which country I want to live in. I have let my Australian passport expire and I am in the process of closing my life there?”
Have you ever noticed that once we taste sugar it is hard to imagine the world without the sweet crystals melting on your tongue? And within a few seconds of conversation, my mind was no longer content with the flavors of the life I was living only seconds before, and I found myself reaching for the sweetness I had learned to live without.
There are endless fears and anxieties that have arrived in this proposal needles to say. I have spent the last two weeks dancing between them as if I were walking on hot coals.
My mind raced ahead for days “What about my clinic? I love my practice! If I became a mum how would I continue to support my work? How would my sense of self be maintained in his life?
What about money? Can I trust that he would offer child support like he says? If not, how would I support myself? Do I want to be a single mum? I know for years I have been preparing for this idea, but after losing my last pregnancy I decided I didn’t want to be a single mum at all. Even worse, what if I don’t conceive, or what if I conceive and miscarry again? Could my heart live through another loss? Would I be able to recover?
What about my family and friends? Would I really want to leave the community I have spent the last eight years building and nurturing to live abroad again? How would I do that when the child grows older?
The questions and fears poured forward, tipping the gentle balance and the new life plan I had solidified in my heart, upside down. A few seconds of conversation and I knew I couldn’t go back to the life I was dreaming up before that phone call. But what am I saying yes to? What secret dreams and hopes am I reaching for, what longing am I allowing out of the folds?
A step back in time: 2007
A clairvoyant told me that she saw me in a conference where I would meet my husband. For years I found myself at events looking around, ensuring I put mascara on before going to any workshop “just in case”. But then one day I was invited to an event of ‘Great business Minds in the Natural Therapies”. I had designed one of the first online natural therapist directories in Australia and it was being encouraged and supported by many budding business professionals in the industry. This was a special meeting to discuss collaboration of such businesses.
Interestingly enough, I was invited, and then un-invited twice. I found myself sitting on my sofa over looking Sydney harbor, wondering if I was ‘ready’ to step into my power and success. Once I decided I was in fact ready, the phone rang one last time and my place was confirmed. I marveled at the mind’s ability to manifest, could it be so powerful?
I sat down at the meeting, and looked around the room. Directly opposite me was a man with whom I noticed yet, in truth I couldn’t tell you what I saw. All I heard and felt was this flood of “uh oh, there he is”. We chatted briefly over the break and my critic jumped to attention assuring me all the reasons why I would never love this man. But something else propelled me to say yes when he asked me on a date, and a few months later, despite my resistance and fear, we moved in together and worked from a little brick house on Wyadra Ave, Sydney Australia.
In so many ways he was exactly what I thought I wanted. We went away in his van and camped at vineyards or secluded beaches. We flew to New Zealand for a weekend of fun, we talked until all hours, stretched each other’s minds and enjoyed the finer things in life. But I was not ready to love, I was haunted by my own imperfections that I reflected endlessly onto him. I don’t know if I felt worthy of being loved then, or, if I could even trust the idea of it as a result of the fickle love I knew from my childhood.
Both of our business went well, and we worked from home easily. In fact it was lovely and nurturing and comfortable to be with him. But the whole time, I could not rest, I could not relax into the love. The more I resisted it, the more needy he became and the tension oscillated as I felt I had to heal myself in order to be together. I was supported and encouraged to book sessions, as I began to believe there was something wrong with me to not be able to say yes to this man’s offer of a family.
In June 2009 we traveled to Canada and although originally the holiday was supposed to be for us, it soon became about my sister’s wedding, which was coordinated for our return. Family anxieties were chomping at my heels, fatigue, stress of negotiating a new partner into the home, and a deep longing to just be with my childhood friends was the end of us. He just wanted to be held and re-assured and I just wanted to be free to play. Finally on the flight home after an exhausting holiday, I admitted I was not “in love” with him and a few months later I moved my life back to Canada.
May 2016 (Today)
It has been a few weeks now, since his phone call, and I am loathed to admit that each day, lose myself to day-dreams about how it might be to re-connect with him in August. I saw him in Byron bay a few years ago, but I did not see him ‘that way’ because he was married, and his beautiful daughter was dancing at his feet. He was romantically invisible to me. And, in truth, I had seen my ex fiancé a few days before, and my heart was re-ignited for the man who proposed to me four years earlier.
Up until two weeks ago, I still believed that the feelings I had for my ex fiance, was the love I wanted to feel in my heart. It was a fire and excitement, and it was the wild karmic connection of past lovers. And yet, when I heard his voice on the phone, his gentle presence, kind words, love and consideration, I realized that in fact this was the love that would feel safe and secure to surrender into.
Am I worthy of feeling safe and adored? Do I truly believe it? Could I truly want a deeply loving and spiritual relationship and believe that I am beautiful and perfect in my imperfections with another? I know with my ex fiance, I had forever doubted my self in his eyes, and with him I was able to see the beauty he assured me was there.
And yet, there is more…
I am off to Germany in a few weeks to visit my ex fiance’s family after 12 years. For my 40th birthday the woman who I would epitomes as ‘mother’ wrote to me asking me to come visit her. I said “no”, fearing how awkward it would be to visit with my ex-mother in law. I feared the language barrier, I feared the ghosts of lost love. And yet, after much consideration, encouragement from friends and persistence from her, I am going.
In a few weeks I will be stepping into the unknown for 15 days of unconditioned love. We anticipate touring through parts of Germany, re-connecting, eating, walking and simply being in each other’s company. Who knows how and why life sends us these curious twists. I feel this is an opportunity for deep healing, and letting go of my ex fiancé in a way that was never fully closed.
During this time, he will ironically be in Russia while I am in Germany. We tried to line up visas to visit each other but it is not so easy. He and I will wait until August 2016 to connect in Maui. Until then, I am in Europe, and then I am in a two-week transpersonal leadership conference. There is so much need and reason for me to stay present, joy filled and curious.
Increasingly I am aware that the joy of my life is not about work, it's about connection. And I am missing romantic connection. I am missing a reason to be, a purpose, heart, a family of my own. A purposelessness was born of my recent miscairrages, and I have not found how to re-direct that energy. I am simply feeling too much space as a 40 year old woman’s, too much freedom, too much shadow in my dreams.
Because of this space, I can't imagine any other option but to say yes to him, and create a child together. I am so grateful and hesitant, however, as I say yes, I am opening to transform my life as I know it.
Do I have the courage to stay present in my heart, true to myself and allow room for my mind to shape and guide a new way of being?
Can I trust that my body will carry this beautiful child to full term?!
I have booked my ticket and arrive in Autralia November 2016!
I am so excited to be saying yes to having a baby and a family!!!
Thank you life, for this opportunity