Who am I to share these pieces of me? An intro to tales of loss pregnancies
I find myself hesitant to share my stories and personal journey publicly. I have asked myself, “is it my attachment to the stories?”, “Is it the shame around how much drama has been a part of my life?”, “Is it a fear that clients will feel less safe when they hear of my own vulnerabilities?”
I believe deep in my soul, that it is through sharing that we dissolve illusion of shame from our stories, and yet I feel my fear in sharing these messy parts of my self with the world, and what I might make any reaction to them mean about me. Secrecy however, is something I have grown up with, and I have come to learn there is no growth, power, or health in keeping stories locked away. In secrecy and shame there is only energy directed at the seed of our victimhood. This is not to say that we are not victims of events, however, to return to wholeness we need to shine a light on these buried seeds so they can transform into the life we seek. After all, who are we protecting from our stories, from the shame of miscarriage, lost dreams, infertility, abortions etc? Why are we keeping the secrets from others? Where is the healing and connection, love and support?
I remember after my first miscarriage I felt incredibly alone in my grief. After choosing to share my experience with other women friends, I was surprised to learn that within the same month of my third miscarriage I had learned of five other women who shared the same fate that month. These women, who would have otherwise not shared their loss, found healing in the connectedness.
My intention in sharing some of my stories here is to expose some of my crazy life experiences that have woven their way throughout my life. However, it has been the losses of my pregnancies that have truly brought my childhood trauma to light. The grief, anger, self hate, feeling of a failure, numbing and bitterness that I have felt over the last six years, has become the window into my deepest healing.
I remember being at a conference of transpersonal healing, and stoically told the group that since my last miscarriage i had lost sight of what I wanted. My goal that weekend was to find clarity and direction. A facilitator came to me and asked if she could work with me as she specialized in grief. I told her,
"I am not grieving, I just don't know what i want. I just need to figure out how to take control of my life again."
As I have learned to hold the hands of my Spirit Babies rather then turn my heart against the loss I feel in their absence, I have begun to heal my life on every level. Healing is not the absence of hurt or grief; healing for me means I am learning to not make these losses mean I am less of a person. Healing for me, is building relationship with my spirit babies, as a way of returning to wholeness, and accepting my life experiences as part of me, without shame or distance.
As I write this post, I am noticing that I am unclear myself, if I still long to be a mother or if I have come to accept that I wont be. I am noticing that as I write these words there is an energetic dance in the pit of my stomach that shifts between accepting what I have experienced, and choosing to remain open to what could be.
The stories I am about to share here are large, and layered, circular and overlapping. I am hoping to include pieces of me, as authentically as I can, and I hope that my courage might shine a light for you to free yourself from the grief, guilt, and shame you may feel around your lost pregnancies.